A Day in the Life

(of an unemployed 20-something):
-10:00 AM: The alarm goes off (for the first time). Stupid, stupid alarm! Don't you know I was up until 2:30 AM alternating between watching old Sex and the City episodes and old Stargate SG-1 episodes (This is what happens when you live with your boyfriend. You have to compromise, people.)? I know it's the super-annoying alarm that we recorded ourselves on Chris's phone, designed specifically to get our asses out of bed, but I'm drowsy and have nowhere to be (The alarm consists of Chris playing the most horrible guitar chord he could think of while I scream "WAKE UP!" until my throat hurts so much that I cough into the phone).
-10:15 AM: "Bah bah WAKE UP! bah bah bah WAKE UP! Bah BAH BAH HUWAH HUWAH (that's coughing)"
-10:30 AM: "Chris, we really should get up." "Nooooooooooooooo." "Ok, you're the boss." Zzzzzzzzzzzz...
-11:00 AM: Get up, pee, brush teeth, but stay in pajamas. Go downstairs to feed the poor bunny who's been ready for breakfast since 6:00 AM.
-11:05 AM: COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE. Have I mentioned that I make really good coffee? You have to put one heaping tablespoon of coffee per cup and then add a little extra. Then, put your milk and/or sugar in the mug first. If you do milk, microwave it before putting the coffee into the mug. That way, your coffee won't get cold after like, point-zero-six seconds. Kind of like a Cafe Au Lait, I suppose. Anyways, YUM non-work-poison-coffee.
-11:15 AM: Breakfast, which I so affectionately made, is ready. Being unemployed= eating nice, big breakfasts every morning. Now that's the way to start your day kids.
-12:00 PM: Scour craigslist, local newspapers, online jobs boards, etc for job possibilities. Send fifteen inquiries, 14 of which turn out to be scams. No, I will not put my SSN into an online form, thank yew very much. You only get that number outta me if you hire me and give me moneys.
-1:00 PM: Glance through resume again. There must be some reason why no one has hired me yet. Shit, I totally forgot! I'm a notary public! That shit's marketable, yo! Put that shizzy on that page, bitch! In Mutha Fuckin' BOLD.
-1:30 PM: That phone interview for that job I really want. This is the third interview with the same company. That must mean they want me. No other reason to interview me THREE times.
-2:30 PM: Sit on the floor and pet Coltrane. The bun LOVES unemployed mommy. It means more treats, more roaming around the apartment, and more face-time. What bun doesn't know, is that unemployed mommy could eventually mean NO FOOD.
-3:00 PM: Chris goes to work, which means the TV is MINE. MINE! Sex and the City, perhaps a second cup of coffee, and job-searching on my little netbook. Maybe they've updated the classifieds sometime in the last hour?
-5:00 PM: Workout. Do it. Come on, don't be a wussy with a "p." Get your ass moving girl! (That's my pep talk to myself, btw).
-6:00 PM: SHOWER. Even unemployed people need to do this on occasion.
-6:30 PM: Receive an email about that job with the three interviews. They want someone with a different kind of experience. Cry. A Lot.
-7:00 PM: Go to therapy. Cry. A Lot. Some more.
-8:00 PM: Home. I have time on my hands, which means I can take the time to cook a nice meal for Chris and I. It'll be hot on the plate at exactly the time he walks in the door. I'm Little Miss Domestic, and it's a pleasure to meet you.
-8:30 PM: Both parties, while ravenously eating, begin jockeying for control of the remote. Which person gets to choose what goes on the TV? Girly Sexy Smart or Nerdy Dorky Irritating? To me, the choice is obvious.
-9:00 PM: Whelp, Chris got the TV. I should do some writing. Maybe I'll write a blog post. Maybe I'll work on the book. Maybe I'll do another article for that company that runs a Writer-Sweat-Shop and pays $2.10 per article.
-11:00 PM: The alernating TV watching begins. Somewhere around 12 or 1 comes a snack, often Pita Chips.
-2:00 AM: I'm not really tired, but I should go to bed. Maybe tomorrow I'll get an interview....


SIGH. HIRE ME.