Store Affronts

I went out shopping with Chris today so he could finish up the majority of his Christmas shopping (as I mentioned before, I'm done! Go me!). Yes, that's right, we went out on the last weekend day before Christmas. Such a bad idea. The crowds were unbearable. Nothing pisses me off more than crazed-angry-shopping-types. We ran into just about every type of shopper you want to avoid:

1. Steals-Your-Parking-Spot-Guy
Clearly you had your blinker on first, therefore that spot is yours. But Steals-Your-Parking-Spot-Guy has a huge, gas-guzzling SUV, which could smash your hatchback into a million pieces. Apparently, this makes him feel entitled to your spot, because he aggressively pulls into it, making sure to avoid eye-contact. Incensed, you are left with no choice but to park a mile away from the stores. Steals-Your-Parking-Spot-Guy is the second cousin once-removed to Parks-In-Two-Spots-and-Doesn't-Care-Guy.

2. Walks-Really-Slowly-Old-Lady
Walks-Really-Slowly-Old-Lady always manages to get in front of you in a crowd. She's oblivious to the world around her, and has no clue that if she simply moved eight inches to the right, you'd be able to get around her and go about your shopping business. But, NO. She does not move. She is molasses in a red sweater with snowflakes on it.

3. Pays-With-A-Check-Woman
Um, seriously? Who the hell pays for something in a store with a check anymore? Have we not heard of debit cards? Have we no moral fortitude? It is immoral to pay with a check if you have other means of paying for something. Yeah, that line behind you? They're not ok with you taking extra time to record the check you've just spent six minutes writing into your little check log. They're tired, miserable, and just want to go home. Taking eleven minutes to pay is unacceptable, UNACCEPTABLE I say!

4. Slams-Into-You-and-Doesn't-Apologize-Man
This seems to happen to me all the time. I'm minding my own business, and all of a sudden some big oaf slams right into me and practically sends me flying. Ok, I realize you're in a hurry (I am too), but at least have the decency to turn around a apologize instead of scurrying away like some sort of field rodent.

5. Makes-You-Feel-Guilty-for-Not-Putting-Money-Into-the-Red-Bucket-People
I have no problem with the idea of people standing outside of the grocery store ringing a bell and asking for money for charity. In fact, I'm impressed with those people for being able to stand out in the cold for so long for a cause. However, on occasion I run into one of these people who is constantly accosting people and trying to guilt them into giving away money. What if I really don't have cash or change (often the case with me)? I'm not putting my credit card in the bucket, sorry. And not only do they get you on the way in, but they repeat the process on the way out. One time, I put money in the bucket on my way in, only to have the same guy who was standing there before give me a hard time for not putting money in on the way out. Um?

6. No-Sense-of-Personal-Boundaries-Lady
This is the lady who looks over your shoulder at the store, and practically breathes down your neck. She also stands REALLY close to you when you're in line to pay. Almost like she's trying to get around you. This makes me so incredibly uncomfortable! Get away! Leave me be! Move over! I've found that a good counter-attack is to fart in her general direction.

7. Says-Awkward-Creepy-Things-Cashier-Guy
I always run into this guy while I'm shopping. One time, I bought one of the seasons of Sex and City at Target, and the cashier said, "Ok, enjoy your sex!" !!!

The point of all this is that online shopping may just be the answer to all my holiday shopping worries. Too bad Chris didn't get his shit together...

How is your shopping going? Any amusing anecdotes?