It's Been 10 Months Since My Last Depression...

Please accept my sincere apologies for not posting this weekend. With the exception of Sunday, my weekend was rough. It's not really because I was DD at a party on Friday, or even because our canoe became infested with ants on Saturday (ew ew ew Ew EW!). Mainly it was rough because I was experiencing many of the symptoms I have experienced in the past: Those of clinical depression.

Now, I have been debating as to whether or not I should bring up this part of my life in this blog, but it is a huge part of who I am, and I cannot simply ignore it. Part of the reason I hesitate is that Heather Armstrong, the writer of Dooce.com and one of my writing heroes, became known for writing about her own postpartum depression. I'm certainly not trying to be a "copy cat (plus, I'd much rather be a copy-dog or a copy-bunny!)." However, this is something I dealt with for years (and something I think about every. single. day. of. my. life. Literally, every day). Also, I didn't want to bring anyone down by writing about something that isn't fun or funny. But this is important to me, and this weekend was scary because I felt like I was going through something really hard again.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression at the beginning of my senior year of college. I had been suffering for probably two years prior to that. It came on gradually; I did not wake up one day and just feel bad. I was too stubborn and afraid to get help. I just thought the misery I felt had to do with a flaw in myself that I had to try to fix all alone. I didn't want to admit defeat by asking for help. I felt helpless, useless, sad, worthless, guilty, lonely, miserable, and completely hopeless. I was the girl at the party crying in the corner. I was the girl who took every little thing "the wrong way." My sense of humor became incredibly narrow, and I was incapable at laughing at myself.

The thing that finally got me to a counselor was Chris telling me "I want you to go see someone." I was shocked and initially hurt at the time, but I was single-handedly making his life miserable along with my own. So, I went to counseling and was, by senior year diagnosed with depression and put on meds.

The title of this post refers to the fact that I've officially been off of meds (after more than two years on them) for about 10 months. A lot of hard work went into getting myself into a better place, and the meds helped me calm down enough to alter my behavior and get used to new, healthier habits.

Though I feel so much better, I still panic any time I feel bad. I realize it is normal to have good moods and bad moods, but every time I'm down I can't help but think that maybe I'm spiraling into the depths of depression once more. And I freak out.

Chris and I watched a documentary the other day called Depression: Out of the Shadows, which explored the facts and research surrounding clinical depression. All kinds of different people from all different walks of life are stricken with the same thing I was stricken with, though at varying degrees. I think about those other people in a general way all the time. How they are having the same kind of hard time I had. How they are the one at the party feeling alone, freakish, and panic-stricken. How they too feel the guilt I felt. The guilt at not being completely happy when I already had it so much better than so many people on this planet. The guilt from feeling like I disappointed everyone who ever cared about me.

Well, though this post wasn't particularly clever or funny, it was at least a little cathartic. I need to get past this "speedbump" I've been dealing with (Thanks, Chris. He called it a "speedbump" to help me visualize the idea that this is a short setback and not a scary, end-all descent), and I plan to kick it in the butt.

RYAN'S RECOMMENDATIONS:

Listening: Josh Ritter's album Hello Starling. It is so good. Particularly of note are the songs "Kathleen" and "Snow is Gone."

Reading: Chesapeake by James Michener

Watching: Bones, Season 1. Chris and I love this! We have an unspoken rule that we have to watch it together.

Working Out: 30-Day Shred. Exercising is the best natural antidepressant. Part of why I think I have been having a hard time lately is that I haven't been exercising as regularly. Moving, new living situations, and a busy life have made it harder lately. But I plan on fixing that to keep myself mentally and physically healthy.