SAD

Recently, Her Royal Dooceness posted about how hard season changes are for people who are or have been clinically depressed (pretty much no matter how "mild" the case was). The post is here if you'd like to read it. She said her therapist told her that more suicides happen in September and May than any other months. I don't find this to be surprising at all, as I always feel really down when my favorite summer weather starts to retreat and when those short, chilly, grey, rainy, days replace those scrumptiously-wonderful, long, hot, bright days.

Every single seasonal change causes me to look inward (Though, the change from summer to fall is always the hardest one for me). It's like all the change that is swirling around me and is beyond my control reminds me of my own mortality, and my own true lack of control (and control freaks like me have problems dealing with the idea of not having a hold on something). I don't know if this has anything to do with ever having been depressed, but, you'd think I'd get used to the seasons changing every year (you know, because it happens 4 times every damn year!)... and I just can't seem to. I was strolling down the pedestrian mall in town when I took a short break from work (well, when I say I strolled, I really mean I bee-lined for the coffee shop), and I just got this overwhelming sense of sadness- this sense that everything I hold dear will, in varying amounts of time, be taken from me or me from it.

The change in seasons always always always compels me to make some changes in my life- sometimes big, meaningful changes, sometimes small, superficial ones. I almost always want to get my hair cut, buy new clothes, start a new hobby, and recommit myself to health and exercise. Hell, last fall was perhaps the craziest I went after the days starting getting shorter: I quit my job without the prospect of another one, and in the current market (I'm getting so sick of this "current market" shit... but hey, I ended up in a much better place because of that seemingly rash, crazy, season change-fueled decision). I also decided to try to participate in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month), and, while serving out my two weeks' notice and then some, I wrote half a damn (awful) book.

I'm also always SO ready to move somewhere new (whether that means a new house or a new town, I'm not exactly sure) in the fall. Perhaps that drive comes from going off to school in the fall and moving into a new dorm, though I'm not really sure. Perhaps I'm like a goose- I want to move south for the winter (flying would be ok with me), as I certainly have no compulsion to move north... I'd probably never survive in Alaska or one of the Nordic countries (not just because of the cold, also because of the lack of light!), where the sun literally goes away for months at a time.

And maybe all of this is just brought on by the dreaded Quarter-Life Crisis (although, do crises last more than a year?) or something. And can I just say that the Quarter-Life Crisis sucks? We Quarter-Lifers have no money with which to buy sports cars or mansions or breast implants or whatever those Mid-Lifers are buying these days (I mean, really they should be frantically saving for retirement, am I right?) However, I have a feeling that it is more than likely something at least related to Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Seasonal Affective Disorder is, appropriately, known as SAD. Wikipedia says that "Symptoms of SAD may consist of difficulty waking up in the morning, morning sickness, tendency to oversleep and over eat, especially a craving for carbohydrates, which leads to weight gain. Other symptoms include a lack of energy, difficulty concentrating on completing tasks, and withdrawal from friends, family, and social activities. All of this leads to the depression, pessimistic feelings of hopelessness, and lack of pleasure which characterize a person suffering from this disorder." They forgot to include compulsion to cut one's hair, change one's wardrobe, and dive right in to writing the next Great American Novel.

Anyways, if you're currently suffering from this autumnal, ass-kicking SADness, I'm right there with you. Let's get through this together: By drinking coffee, ranting regularly, eating carbs, sleeping in, and writing a book. Ok, fine, jeez, we'll make this the Sesame Street version: By exercising, eating healthy foods, discussing our feelings in a calm, collected way, and by researching and outlining for our book before we start writing (that's the ticket!).

Here's to warm, sunny, summer days filled with FUN instead of SAD!