Hello you lovely, gender-obsessed people! I'm Ryan. And I have a uterus (at least, my gyno tells me I do. I'm not flexible enough to verify that by myself). Cuz I'm a girl. Or woman, or whatever. When a female technically become a "woman" is beyond me. I guess being in your early twenties means being in-between a lot of labels. Anyways, so yes, I am a female with a traditionally male name. And boy (girl!), has it shaped who I am. I've often wondered if I would be a totally different person if my parents had named me "Ashley" or "Britney" or something.
I was that tomboy girl. I wanted legos and tonka trucks and I wanted to play sports. Barbies and pink shit were not ok with me. Ever. My grandmother would still try to give me that stuff for Christmas, because that's what little girls are supposed to get for Christmas. I remember ripping my Barbie's head off once. Bitch deserved it, always grinning smugly at me like she knew that her hypotheical 18-inch waist was going to be forever unattainable to women everywhere. Then, it occured to me that I could get in trouble for breaking a toy someone had so generously given me, so I hid that blonde, nipple-less doll under the couch cushions in our basement.
I may have even ended up having an unhealthy aversion to all things feminine. It wasn't until college that I started getting in touch with that "girly" side of myself (What, Ryan's wearing... a dress???? Since when does she do that?). It took me a long while to see "feminine" as anything other than weak. After some struggling, I've learned that I can be feminine and strong at the same time. In fact, my mother, who is one of my heroes, is the epitome of the strong, feminine woman. So, now if a guy calls me "pretty," I don't have an uncontrollable urge to punch him in the face. And I lift weights and then go drink the pinkest martini drink you've ever seen.
I can't help but wonder what alternate universe girly-named-me would have turned out like (Let's call her "Rhonda."): Would Rhonda have been a pink-wearing, purse-toting, high heel-loving fake blonde? Would Rhonda have worshipped Michelle Pfeiffer instead of Michelle Akers? Would people have treated Rhonda differently than they treated me? Would Rhonda's life be totally different than mine? I certainly hope not. I'd like to think that "I yam who I yam." But, the cynical side of me is saying that it so does matter.
One thing I'd like to say is that I'm so thankful that my parents never tried to push "feminine" toys, clothes, or stereotypes on me. When I expressed a liking for something, they encouraged it, regardless of what "gender" was supposed to like it. My sister and I both learned to be strong, and both grew up believing we could be anything we wanted.
I want to be a writer and I want to love deeply.
(But I still refuse to wear pink.)
Don't think pink is really your color anyway ... but someday you ought to at least try it out. On some level it represents all that a woman is ... strength and girliness ... after all, the Breast Cancer ribbon is PINK :-)and no one is stronger than one who has successfully fought cancer.
ReplyDeleteI freakin' love this. Please continue to post! :)
ReplyDeleteCool beans Ryan. I can not *follow* as there is a glitch....but I'll keep reading!
ReplyDeleteDharma
Hi Ryan! I know a girl named Kyle, which to me is even more masculine than Ryan! She's a lesbian, which must be funny for her girlfriend ("oh, kyle does XYZ" "is that your boyfriend?" "no, actually that's my girlfriend" "....")...She is also in touch with her feminine side too, although i can see her probably being a tomboy at some point. she told me her parents named her that because she was a super-preemie and they thought Kyle was a very strong name. it worked!
ReplyDeletep.s. found you from dooce. will add you to my list of sites to check regularly! i like your style :-)
Thanks so much everyone! Shaina, I actually know a girl named Kyle too! We went to high school together. I get so excited about other girls with guy names. Woo! Dharma, weird that you can't follow, but hopefully it will work later. I love your blog!
ReplyDeleteHuh. I believe you could be my daughter! I, too, grew up a tomboy with tonka trucks, bikes, and scraped up knees, but not a barbie in sight! Although, I have evolved to think pink is OK. I have four daughters who are in your age group and they all have a similar aversion to pink. Weird. Great blog. Keep it up!
ReplyDeleteIt's funny - I was always a tomboy, but then... I figured out that I liked looking like a girl when I wasn't climbing mountains or kayaking down waterfalls. (It's actually quite fun to wear pink. =)
ReplyDeleteMy name is Randi and I am a girl!! It's not even short for "Miranda" or anything! I know it's not spelled the "boy" way but it still sounds the same!
ReplyDeleteRyan! Well I think discussions like this are really worthwhile and lead to roads that I frequently find myself on. It's a compelling issue- especially trying to sort out the derivations of cultural stereotypes of what is "feminine" and feeling pretty averse/disgusted by them. In doing so, however, it's very easy to begin to reject avenues of female empowerment, though. For example- saying I dislike being "feminine", does that mean I am ashamed of being a woman and expressing myself as I define it or does it mean that I am actively rejecting social constructs? It's easy to confuse but the differentiation is incredibly important. Anyways I'm excited to read your next post. Peace!
ReplyDeleteRandi: love your name!
ReplyDeleteParker: I totally agree that it is easy to confuse disliking social constructs and being ashamed of what/who you are. I'm just so interested in how and why people turn out the way they do (why does one girl live for "feminine" things and another deplore them)? Is is chemical, is it social, is it all our parents' faults??? (: Anyways, thanks for reading. I was very glad to hear from you.