OMG Weddingz

I haven't written much about my upcoming wedding, have I? I'm not sure exactly why that is. Perhaps because I've found that no one really wants to hear about your wedding planning (exceptions: Other engaged people and your mom). Perhaps there is part of me that considers it to be a private subject (oh, who am I kidding?). I think maybe it's more likely because life has been in a state of upheaval for an extended period of time.

But I've been pretty focused on (and freaking out about) wedding stuffz this past week. We already have some of the big important stuff taken care of:

• Venue? Check.
• Caterer? (BBQ!) Check.
• Dress? (Eeeee, not telling you about it) Check.
• Shoes? (UPS expected delivery date: Monday) Check.
• Wedding rings? (Ooooh, shiny) Check.
• Save the Dates (Sent out!) Check.
• Celebrant? Check-a-roonie!
• Registries? Started them. So a half-check there.

But, right now I'm freaking out about the following:

• Photography. I know that people have to make a living doing this, and that there is a lot of effort put in to editing, etc after the hours spent taking pictures, and I truly believe that talent and skill should be paid for, but holy crap! Wedding photography costs more than a year's worth of car payments for me. Not sure what we're going to do about this.
• Cake. Cupcakes, actually. I'm going to tasting soon to see about the sweet stuff. If I had my way though, we'd have wedding ice cream, not wedding cakes...
• Hotel Rooms. We're going to have quite a few people coming from out of the area (we hope!). So we have to block rooms (and I'd prefer to do it sooner rather than later). What if I pick a hotel that is close and has great group rates, but when my family all gets there, turns out to be a hole? What if they run out of rooms before everyone has made their reservations? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
• Menswear. Guys, I love Chris so much. But, if he had his way, he'd be wearing cargo shorts and crocs and possibly his Mountain Dew hat on our wedding day. So I have a feeling I'm going to have to take point on the clothes for him and his groomsmen. Problem is, I know zero about men's clothing. And the groom looks that I tend to like, Chris doesn't. Oy.
• The guest list. I know this so cliche, but seriously, this is stressing me out. We're already over the number we want to have, and it seems like people are finding new significant others, etc by the day, adding even more. Stop it! 

Anyways, the other most recent exciting thing is that my mom is throwing us an engagement party. I can't wait for this. I kind of feel like the "yay, we're getting married!" steam has faded a bit of late, as we've both been busy, dealing with the loss of Coltrane, and trying to figure out some other big life decisions. I think the engagement party is the perfect excuse to be all kindsa focused on the whole pledging-to-be-together-forever thing.

So yeah, there's your dose of wedding-related blogging. I'm sure there will be more to come, but I promise not to hit you over the head with it.

On Grief and the Grocery Store

It has been 6 days since I had to put Coltrane down, and, so far, I've been alternating between the two stages of grief:

1. Pain
2. More Pain

The pain has been hitting me hard (kind of like a punch in the stomach) at the most random and sometimes inopportune times. Other times, people I'm talking to seem to be expecting me to lose it, but then I just don't.  And I don't know why.

For example, this past weekend, Chris and I played a duo show at a fall festival to raise money for a local no-kill animal shelter. I was dreading this, as I figured I'd lose it as soon as I saw the cute animals. But, for some reason, I was ok. We saw cute doggies, I pet a pony on the nose, and still, I was alright. A fellow musician and friend was saying how sorry she was about Coltrane, and somehow I could talk about what happened without crying (though I think she expected me to start, which is pretty reasonable). So yeah, I was fine. That is, until we left. I cried in the car on the way home. Don't know why.

The most unexpected thing that set me off was going to the grocery store on Sunday evening. Chris and I split up to cover more ground... I was to go to the produce section to get zucchini and garlic and bananas. As soon as I walked into that part of the store, there was that familiar punch in the stomach as I realized that I would no longer be buying large amounts of lettuce and fresh herbs for my bunny boy to happily munch on. Now there's no reason for me to have all the SKU #'s for all the types of lettuce and cilantro and parsley memorized. Now I don't need to stop at the grocery store three times a week.

I did my best to keep it together as we continued to shop... and I think I probably came off as extraordinarily grumpy, but as soon as we walked outside I totally lost it and ugly-cried all the way home.

I keep realizing that I no longer have to do these small little things like go to the grocery store all the time, go straight home after work no matter what, keep cords and plugs out of reach always, clean litter boxes, arrange for pet sitters any time I'm out of town, put someone else's needs before my own, etc. Most people would say that those things make a person's life more difficult, but I whole-heartedly disagree. Those things meant getting to have a happy bunny to come home to every single day. Those things meant a loving, trusting bond established between bunny and bunny mommy. Those things meant I was fulfilling my responsibilities and doing a damn good job at fulfilling them. Those things meant that I could give a great life to Coltrane, who depended on me for every single thing.

But what I never realized before until now is that all those little things aren't just part of a routine, they are also very ingrained in my sense of self. Chris and I adopted Coltrane shortly after we graduated and moved out into the "real" world. My whole independent adult life took shape with Coltrane there. It was always: Who am I? I am woman who has a pet rabbit (aka I am a crazy bunny lady). I am woman who takes care of things that need taken care of. I am a woman who puts others' needs first. I am woman who loves. I am a woman who would mostly rather stay home and sit on the floor with a rabbit than go out and party. I am a woman who will be DD mostly so that I don't drink too much to drive home to my bunny. I am a woman who is patient. I am a woman who gains so much from the act of taking care of a pet. I am a woman who is never truly home alone.

And now? I am a woman who cries. I am a woman who is lost. I am a woman who literally doesn't know how to live without her bunny companion.

Remembering Coltrane

I had to put Coltrane down yesterday, much sooner than I thought. He was getting so little air that he started slumping over, so we had to let him go. I'm more devastated than I can adequately explain in words, but I thought the above video was a great way to remember him as the happy little bun he was.

I Cannot Wait to Marry This Man...

Don't he look handsome? Photo by Linda Neri.

A (Bunny) Love Supreme

My bunny Coltrane has cancer.

Even typing the "C-Word" brings tears to my eyes, which is a big part of why I haven't felt strong enough to discuss the situation in a public forum (I've known for a while now). But, it's a huge part of my life currently, and well, I could really use everyone's well-wishes right now.

I took the little guy to the vet a little bit ago because I noticed that one side of his snout was a little bigger than the other, and because he had begun sneezing more than usual. Well, the vet found a mass on Coltrane's gums above his teeth, and she immediately took blood and had me schedule xrays and a surgery so they could remove the mass and send it away for a biopsy.

The results were that the mass was cancerous, and the vet found that the cancer had spread into Coltrane's nasal passage, which was what was causing the sneezing (and presumably the goopy eye problem he's had for a while now). This is scary, as rabbits only breathe through their noses; his air supply is being threatened. The vet said further surgery was not an option, as they'd have to take around half of his face off to maybe get rid of it all. Chemo and radiation are also not good options for such a small creature. So, I'm currently putting some Chinese herbs on his greens, which are supposed to help promote healthy cell growth, and help limit bad cell growth.

However, over the past two weeks, Coltrane has started to decline. He has a bit less energy, and his poor bunny nose is now making whistling and gurgling sounds. When he sneezes (which is often), he makes this horrible high-pitched squeaking noise, which says to me that his nasal passage is smaller than it was before.

I left a message with the vet today to see if there's anything I can do, and to see if he'd be able to live comfortably with one out of two nasal passages open.

Anyways, all I can do besides give him those herbs is continue to give him love and comfort and time (and treats!).

And I also just want to say how much I love that little bunny. He's been with me for four years, and he's made me smile at least once every single one of those days. With Chris gone for the past 6-months, Coltrane has been my constant companion. I realize that a lot of people don't consider rabbits companion animals (as they take a lot more work/time/patience to bond with than say, dogs do), but he has absolutely been one for me.

So, please, send us some positive thoughts, vibes, or whatever it is you're comfortable with. I'm going to leave you with some photos of the bun from right after I first got him (please pardon the red-eye!), which was long before I started this blog. What a cute wittle bun.

Today, I Peed in the River

(Actually, this happened yesterday...)

Guys, I know I've already done a post about peeing outside... and I know that we've already discussed several strategies and differing opinions of how to handle it when nature calls for us women-folk when we're, well, in nature. But, I felt that this recent story was worth sharing, as it bring up some new issues/concerns.

On Sunday morning, Chris and I went sailing. After we stopped for soda/coffee, we drove to this public boat ramp to put in on a river. After we got the boat in the water, but before we pushed off, I realized that I kinda had to pee. However, unfortunately, there is no restroom anywhere close to this boat ramp. There are houses all around the river, and there were people constantly pulling in and out of the VERY PUBLIC boat ramp area. Also, there were no trees I could lean against that would keep me from view, the ground was marshy/wet, and did I mention that there were houses all around?

SO, I decided I would get on the boat anyways. Meh, I'd be fine.

Big. Mistake.

There was a pretty light breeze, so though we were moving, we were not moving fast. It was also a bit chilly and overcast. We kept our eyes out for spots on the shore where we could anchor so I could pee, but, as I mentioned, there were houses everywhere. So, after a good while, I was to the point where I was in pain, so we decided to turn around and head back towards the boat ramp. I was determined to make it until we could get to a bathroom.

But alas, on the way back, the going was even slower. Chris was making plans for me to hop in his van as soon as we got back to drive to a restroom, but at one point, I realized there was no way I would make it. I was in tears it hurt so bad. So, I made the executive decision to strip down to my skivvies, hop in the very chilly water and finally get some relief. So, I did.

Getting back in the boat was interesting, for sure (how Chris kept from laughing I'll never know), and then, after that, there was the matter of me being freezing. I layered up, and we continued to head to shore.

So ladies, I know this is totally TMI, but something I didn't know is that bad things can happen from holding one's urine for too long. According to everydayhealth.com, a "common cause of UTI is holding urine longer than you should." Let's just say I'll be on antibiotics for the next five days. Sheesh.

But seriously, what would you have done in my situation? I couldn't leave once we had the boat in the water, because the boat ramp was busy and you're not supposed to take up all the space for too long. I couldn't just pop a squat in front of a bunch of random people, nor could we anchor off of someone's lawn so I could "water" their plants! What's a girl to do?

Ryan the Girl Goes to Washington

This past weekend, I visited a good friend of mine in Maryland. We went to college together and hadn't seen each other in way too long, and I must say, I had a lovely time! :)

We decided to take the Metro into DC on Saturday, cuz that's what cool people who live within walking distance of a Metro Station do, and because I hadn't been into the city in a very long time.

And who knew? All the cool stuff in DC is FREE. Free, ya'll!

First, we went to the National Zoo, which was surprisingly cool, although crowded and overrun with strollers and children. The best part was seeing the otters. I love otters. If I could be any animal, I would totally be an otter. They seem so happy all the time!

We walked all over the place, saw tons of animals, grabbed a quick bite, and then decided to head to The National Mall.

Now, here's a helpful hint to any and all of you who are planning weekend trips to DC anytime soon: Whenever the Metro needs maintenance, said maintenance is completed on the weekends. This makes sense, as rush hour would be a total nightmare otherwise. Anyways, the line we were traveling on had two or three stops that were closed this past weekend. So, the Metro's solution for getting travelers where they needed to go was to shove a bazillion people on shuttle buses and drive to all the stops the train couldn't get to. We got to the National Mall with very little hassle. However, this poor kid who was sitting next to where I was standing on the overcrowded bus was having a total freakout... I think he was claustrophobic or something. I felt awful, as I was unable to do anything but stand in my 1 square foot of space, which made it so I was practically hovering over him.

Anyways, by the time we got the The Mall, our feet were already starting to hurt. So, we decided to hit up some highlights at two museums. We first went to the American History Museum, where we saw the very cool First Ladies' Gowns exhibit, an instrument exhibit, and the lunch counter and stools from the famous sit-in at the Woolworth's in Greensboro, NC. Very moving to see.

Then, we went to the Natural History Museum to see the dinosaurs and giant sea creatures (well, their fossilized bones...). I have lots of memories of that exhibit from when I was a wee one. Though, I remember everything being bigger.

After that, we stepped outside, and the sky had turned this ominous black color off towards the Washington Monument, and the wind had picked up. It was obvious that a deluge was coming our way.

We speed walked to the Metro station, and got there as the first drops were falling. We had to wait about fifteen minutes for the train, and, as we were waiting, soaked people kept walking by. We were worried, because we knew we were going to have to go outside to get on a bus once we got to the stop before all the closed stations. Neither of us had jackets or umbrellas.

We got to the last stop and sprinted up the stairs of the metro station, ready to fling ourselves out of the rain and onto the waiting shuttle... however, they had people waiting in line to get on... while people on the bus were trying to decide whether or not they were getting off (no dirty jokes please...). So, we got SOAKED.

The problem was that the bus drivers weren't telling anyone which stops they were getting to. If you didn't know the area, you had no clue if you were at the right stop or not! So all the people on the bus had no clue if they needed to disembark or not.

Anyways, we got on another jam-packed bus (but this time got seats!). Unfortunately, traffic had picked up, so it took us like 40 minutes to get to the metro stop where we could catch the train back to my friend's hometown. That's 40 minutes sitting with a dude's elbow in my face. So, a bunch of soaked people were crammed into an air conditioned bus and then had to sit in traffic for forever. People got grumpy.

Oh yeah, and the temperature dropped from 92 degrees to 65 degrees. Once we finally got back to Maryland and were walking back to my friend's place from the Metro stop, we were freezing! Earlier in the day we were sweating profusely! Crazy September weather.

Anyways, that was my weekend adventure in the Nation's Capital.

When we got back, we made pasta and roasted broccoli (my new favorite thing EVER), and then proceeded to drink an entire bottle of (much-deserved) red wine.