On Grief and the Grocery Store

It has been 6 days since I had to put Coltrane down, and, so far, I've been alternating between the two stages of grief:

1. Pain
2. More Pain

The pain has been hitting me hard (kind of like a punch in the stomach) at the most random and sometimes inopportune times. Other times, people I'm talking to seem to be expecting me to lose it, but then I just don't.  And I don't know why.

For example, this past weekend, Chris and I played a duo show at a fall festival to raise money for a local no-kill animal shelter. I was dreading this, as I figured I'd lose it as soon as I saw the cute animals. But, for some reason, I was ok. We saw cute doggies, I pet a pony on the nose, and still, I was alright. A fellow musician and friend was saying how sorry she was about Coltrane, and somehow I could talk about what happened without crying (though I think she expected me to start, which is pretty reasonable). So yeah, I was fine. That is, until we left. I cried in the car on the way home. Don't know why.

The most unexpected thing that set me off was going to the grocery store on Sunday evening. Chris and I split up to cover more ground... I was to go to the produce section to get zucchini and garlic and bananas. As soon as I walked into that part of the store, there was that familiar punch in the stomach as I realized that I would no longer be buying large amounts of lettuce and fresh herbs for my bunny boy to happily munch on. Now there's no reason for me to have all the SKU #'s for all the types of lettuce and cilantro and parsley memorized. Now I don't need to stop at the grocery store three times a week.

I did my best to keep it together as we continued to shop... and I think I probably came off as extraordinarily grumpy, but as soon as we walked outside I totally lost it and ugly-cried all the way home.

I keep realizing that I no longer have to do these small little things like go to the grocery store all the time, go straight home after work no matter what, keep cords and plugs out of reach always, clean litter boxes, arrange for pet sitters any time I'm out of town, put someone else's needs before my own, etc. Most people would say that those things make a person's life more difficult, but I whole-heartedly disagree. Those things meant getting to have a happy bunny to come home to every single day. Those things meant a loving, trusting bond established between bunny and bunny mommy. Those things meant I was fulfilling my responsibilities and doing a damn good job at fulfilling them. Those things meant that I could give a great life to Coltrane, who depended on me for every single thing.

But what I never realized before until now is that all those little things aren't just part of a routine, they are also very ingrained in my sense of self. Chris and I adopted Coltrane shortly after we graduated and moved out into the "real" world. My whole independent adult life took shape with Coltrane there. It was always: Who am I? I am woman who has a pet rabbit (aka I am a crazy bunny lady). I am woman who takes care of things that need taken care of. I am a woman who puts others' needs first. I am woman who loves. I am a woman who would mostly rather stay home and sit on the floor with a rabbit than go out and party. I am a woman who will be DD mostly so that I don't drink too much to drive home to my bunny. I am a woman who is patient. I am a woman who gains so much from the act of taking care of a pet. I am a woman who is never truly home alone.

And now? I am a woman who cries. I am a woman who is lost. I am a woman who literally doesn't know how to live without her bunny companion.

Remembering Coltrane

I had to put Coltrane down yesterday, much sooner than I thought. He was getting so little air that he started slumping over, so we had to let him go. I'm more devastated than I can adequately explain in words, but I thought the above video was a great way to remember him as the happy little bun he was.

A (Bunny) Love Supreme

My bunny Coltrane has cancer.

Even typing the "C-Word" brings tears to my eyes, which is a big part of why I haven't felt strong enough to discuss the situation in a public forum (I've known for a while now). But, it's a huge part of my life currently, and well, I could really use everyone's well-wishes right now.

I took the little guy to the vet a little bit ago because I noticed that one side of his snout was a little bigger than the other, and because he had begun sneezing more than usual. Well, the vet found a mass on Coltrane's gums above his teeth, and she immediately took blood and had me schedule xrays and a surgery so they could remove the mass and send it away for a biopsy.

The results were that the mass was cancerous, and the vet found that the cancer had spread into Coltrane's nasal passage, which was what was causing the sneezing (and presumably the goopy eye problem he's had for a while now). This is scary, as rabbits only breathe through their noses; his air supply is being threatened. The vet said further surgery was not an option, as they'd have to take around half of his face off to maybe get rid of it all. Chemo and radiation are also not good options for such a small creature. So, I'm currently putting some Chinese herbs on his greens, which are supposed to help promote healthy cell growth, and help limit bad cell growth.

However, over the past two weeks, Coltrane has started to decline. He has a bit less energy, and his poor bunny nose is now making whistling and gurgling sounds. When he sneezes (which is often), he makes this horrible high-pitched squeaking noise, which says to me that his nasal passage is smaller than it was before.

I left a message with the vet today to see if there's anything I can do, and to see if he'd be able to live comfortably with one out of two nasal passages open.

Anyways, all I can do besides give him those herbs is continue to give him love and comfort and time (and treats!).

And I also just want to say how much I love that little bunny. He's been with me for four years, and he's made me smile at least once every single one of those days. With Chris gone for the past 6-months, Coltrane has been my constant companion. I realize that a lot of people don't consider rabbits companion animals (as they take a lot more work/time/patience to bond with than say, dogs do), but he has absolutely been one for me.

So, please, send us some positive thoughts, vibes, or whatever it is you're comfortable with. I'm going to leave you with some photos of the bun from right after I first got him (please pardon the red-eye!), which was long before I started this blog. What a cute wittle bun.

It's Beginning to Look at Lot Like... Well, You Know

We finally got around to putting up the tree, which isn't seeming to lean as much this year as it did last year. So, I'm rescinding the name "Leaning Tower of Tree-sa" in favor of "The SymmeTree." For some reason, Chris decided that the colors of the ornaments on the tree had to be symmetrical. I just sorta threw stuff up there, but Chris was quite meticulous. Anyways, so we spent a good amount of time getting the tree set up and decorating it.

So, first, we got out the snacks:

Hers for her. His for Him.

Then we put on the tunes:

Then, we got out the SymmeTree and the ornaments:

Then, we started decorating. This is my favorite ornament:

This belonged to my mom's family.

This is Chris's favorite:



Because, well, he likes boats.

 These are Coltrane's favorites:

Da Buns!

Here's the SymmeTree looking lovely and symmetrical:

And then Coltrane got really interested in the tree and especially the tree skirt:

And then, Chris started playing with tin foil and scissors, and I was like "what are you doing?" and he was like "making an angel for the top of the tree." And I was, like, quite skeptical.

Turns out I was skeptical for a reason. Chris made a creepy tin angel (and most likely flunked Kindergarden Art... ok fine, I'm being mean):

Here's the whole she-bang (including a Christmas Bun in the corner).

Happy Holidays everyone!

Me Time

Whelp, I realize it's been awhile folks, and I'm sorry for that. It's been one of those weeks filled with extreme ups and extreme downs, and well, frankly, I'm exhausted.

Chris is out with the guys, so I have a rare moment to myself in the house.

You know what this calls for!

Girly Drink

Girly Movie

Girly Cookie(?)

OH YEAH BABY!

*Sigh (of relaxation)*.

And Coltrane's here too, helping clean up the clutter on the floor.

Ain't he cute?

I hope you all are having as relaxing an evening as I am!

What's Your Favorite Position?

Get your minds out of the gutter. This post is about bunnies!

Bunnies sit/lie in all sorts of different positions. It's quite amusing, really. With rabbits, the harder it would be to get up and run from a position, the more relaxed they are (makes sense!). Some of these have been given names by the "Bunny People," others have been given names by yours truly or by my family/friends. So, what's your favorite position?

Not sure what this is actually called... Chris dubbed it The Ballerina

This is called The Flop or The Dead Bunny Flop. This is one the "Bunny People" named. This is what happy, relaxed buns do!

The Flop II

Chris calls this one Loaf Bun, my sister calls it Blob Bunny.

This is Basic Bun.

When buns do this, it's called Presenting. It means they would like you to pet them.

Super Bun!

Super Bun II

This is called a Half Flop.

Sphinx Bun.

This is called Lamb Chop (This actually isn't the best picture of this, but I couldn't find a better one!). He puts his feet off to an angle.

This is sorta better, but not really.

Perhaps this post was an excuse to post pictures of Coltrane. Perhaps it was an excuse for me to click through the all of the (hundreds of) photos I have taken of Da Bun over the past few years. Anyways, most people don't really know how awesome and interesting and fun rabbits can be, and I consider it one of my life missions to spread the word.

To Be, or Knot to Be...

Yesterday, Chris asked me if he could claim some of my time after he got back home from teaching guitar. When I asked why, he said he wanted to spend some time going through the knots that a sailor needs to be able to tie. So, I said, "why knot?" (bwahahaha!).

I did pretty well, if I do say so myself. Here are four of the knots I learned to tie:

Clove Hitch

Figure 8 Knot

Bowline

Square Knot

I'd like to point out that Chris did knot help me with the above knots. Those are all pictures of knots I tied myself. It's knot something I ever would have thought to spend an evening doing, but, I did certainly enjoy learning a few new things. Plus, if I'm going to be a helpful sailor (and knot one who just sits there doing nothing), then I need to be able to do some things without help!

Once I had reached my limit on time spent tying knots, I grabbed my camera and started playing with it. So, while I took pictures of Coltrane:

The poor bun's eye is still all goopy and drippy. I've been giving him antibiotics twice a day, but it still doesn't seem to be getting better. Frowny face.

Chris spent time trying to teach himself how to tie a Monkey's Fist:

Try knot to be jealous of our knot-tying skills, mmmmmmk?

Kindred Spirits

Chris inadvertantly (this time!) scared the living Ba-Jeezus out of me the other day. We were cleaning the house and I was scrubbing the half-bath (which has one of those light switches that automatically turns on the fan when you turn on the light... hate hate hate, by the way), and I didn't hear him coming around the corner into the hallway. So, I turned and he was right there, and I jumped about sixty-five feet and gasped! and almost died of a heart attack on the spot. My heart was literally racing for an hour afterwards. I felt truly frightened.

That's when it hit me: I'm like Coltrane.

I'm always on edge. I'm never quite completely comfortable; it's like my body is always ready for the fight or flight reaction. Even when I'm lying down or doing something "relaxing" I'm ready to get the hell out of there if necessary. I'm aware of where the exits are, and I'm quite uncomfortable and claustrophobic if I detect that there is no exit or way to safety.

Conclusion: I am a prey animal.

Bunnies like Coltrane are wired to bolt when something unexpected occurs, and that's because their survival instinct kicks in.

Oh yes, they broke the mold when they made me: Me, the 5-ft 3-in tall, incisor-owning, upright-walking, 120-pound RABBIT.

Happy 4th Everyone!

Easter Bunday

I know it's a couple (ok, maybe a few) days late, but, in honor of Easter Sunday having been this past weekend, I wanted to post some pictures of Coltrane, my very own little Easter Bun. I hope all of you enjoyed your Easter Bundays, I mean Sundays...(feel free to call me a crazy bunny lady or a dork or whatever you wish!).

The ones of the bun eating basil are from his birthday. Basil was his birthday present. Yeah, that's pretty cute.

So, I actually spent my Easter Sunday in a kayak. How were your holidays?