On Grief and the Grocery Store

It has been 6 days since I had to put Coltrane down, and, so far, I've been alternating between the two stages of grief:

1. Pain
2. More Pain

The pain has been hitting me hard (kind of like a punch in the stomach) at the most random and sometimes inopportune times. Other times, people I'm talking to seem to be expecting me to lose it, but then I just don't.  And I don't know why.

For example, this past weekend, Chris and I played a duo show at a fall festival to raise money for a local no-kill animal shelter. I was dreading this, as I figured I'd lose it as soon as I saw the cute animals. But, for some reason, I was ok. We saw cute doggies, I pet a pony on the nose, and still, I was alright. A fellow musician and friend was saying how sorry she was about Coltrane, and somehow I could talk about what happened without crying (though I think she expected me to start, which is pretty reasonable). So yeah, I was fine. That is, until we left. I cried in the car on the way home. Don't know why.

The most unexpected thing that set me off was going to the grocery store on Sunday evening. Chris and I split up to cover more ground... I was to go to the produce section to get zucchini and garlic and bananas. As soon as I walked into that part of the store, there was that familiar punch in the stomach as I realized that I would no longer be buying large amounts of lettuce and fresh herbs for my bunny boy to happily munch on. Now there's no reason for me to have all the SKU #'s for all the types of lettuce and cilantro and parsley memorized. Now I don't need to stop at the grocery store three times a week.

I did my best to keep it together as we continued to shop... and I think I probably came off as extraordinarily grumpy, but as soon as we walked outside I totally lost it and ugly-cried all the way home.

I keep realizing that I no longer have to do these small little things like go to the grocery store all the time, go straight home after work no matter what, keep cords and plugs out of reach always, clean litter boxes, arrange for pet sitters any time I'm out of town, put someone else's needs before my own, etc. Most people would say that those things make a person's life more difficult, but I whole-heartedly disagree. Those things meant getting to have a happy bunny to come home to every single day. Those things meant a loving, trusting bond established between bunny and bunny mommy. Those things meant I was fulfilling my responsibilities and doing a damn good job at fulfilling them. Those things meant that I could give a great life to Coltrane, who depended on me for every single thing.

But what I never realized before until now is that all those little things aren't just part of a routine, they are also very ingrained in my sense of self. Chris and I adopted Coltrane shortly after we graduated and moved out into the "real" world. My whole independent adult life took shape with Coltrane there. It was always: Who am I? I am woman who has a pet rabbit (aka I am a crazy bunny lady). I am woman who takes care of things that need taken care of. I am a woman who puts others' needs first. I am woman who loves. I am a woman who would mostly rather stay home and sit on the floor with a rabbit than go out and party. I am a woman who will be DD mostly so that I don't drink too much to drive home to my bunny. I am a woman who is patient. I am a woman who gains so much from the act of taking care of a pet. I am a woman who is never truly home alone.

And now? I am a woman who cries. I am a woman who is lost. I am a woman who literally doesn't know how to live without her bunny companion.

Remembering Coltrane

I had to put Coltrane down yesterday, much sooner than I thought. He was getting so little air that he started slumping over, so we had to let him go. I'm more devastated than I can adequately explain in words, but I thought the above video was a great way to remember him as the happy little bun he was.

A (Bunny) Love Supreme

My bunny Coltrane has cancer.

Even typing the "C-Word" brings tears to my eyes, which is a big part of why I haven't felt strong enough to discuss the situation in a public forum (I've known for a while now). But, it's a huge part of my life currently, and well, I could really use everyone's well-wishes right now.

I took the little guy to the vet a little bit ago because I noticed that one side of his snout was a little bigger than the other, and because he had begun sneezing more than usual. Well, the vet found a mass on Coltrane's gums above his teeth, and she immediately took blood and had me schedule xrays and a surgery so they could remove the mass and send it away for a biopsy.

The results were that the mass was cancerous, and the vet found that the cancer had spread into Coltrane's nasal passage, which was what was causing the sneezing (and presumably the goopy eye problem he's had for a while now). This is scary, as rabbits only breathe through their noses; his air supply is being threatened. The vet said further surgery was not an option, as they'd have to take around half of his face off to maybe get rid of it all. Chemo and radiation are also not good options for such a small creature. So, I'm currently putting some Chinese herbs on his greens, which are supposed to help promote healthy cell growth, and help limit bad cell growth.

However, over the past two weeks, Coltrane has started to decline. He has a bit less energy, and his poor bunny nose is now making whistling and gurgling sounds. When he sneezes (which is often), he makes this horrible high-pitched squeaking noise, which says to me that his nasal passage is smaller than it was before.

I left a message with the vet today to see if there's anything I can do, and to see if he'd be able to live comfortably with one out of two nasal passages open.

Anyways, all I can do besides give him those herbs is continue to give him love and comfort and time (and treats!).

And I also just want to say how much I love that little bunny. He's been with me for four years, and he's made me smile at least once every single one of those days. With Chris gone for the past 6-months, Coltrane has been my constant companion. I realize that a lot of people don't consider rabbits companion animals (as they take a lot more work/time/patience to bond with than say, dogs do), but he has absolutely been one for me.

So, please, send us some positive thoughts, vibes, or whatever it is you're comfortable with. I'm going to leave you with some photos of the bun from right after I first got him (please pardon the red-eye!), which was long before I started this blog. What a cute wittle bun.

Me Time

Whelp, I realize it's been awhile folks, and I'm sorry for that. It's been one of those weeks filled with extreme ups and extreme downs, and well, frankly, I'm exhausted.

Chris is out with the guys, so I have a rare moment to myself in the house.

You know what this calls for!

Girly Drink

Girly Movie

Girly Cookie(?)

OH YEAH BABY!

*Sigh (of relaxation)*.

And Coltrane's here too, helping clean up the clutter on the floor.

Ain't he cute?

I hope you all are having as relaxing an evening as I am!

What's Your Favorite Position?

Get your minds out of the gutter. This post is about bunnies!

Bunnies sit/lie in all sorts of different positions. It's quite amusing, really. With rabbits, the harder it would be to get up and run from a position, the more relaxed they are (makes sense!). Some of these have been given names by the "Bunny People," others have been given names by yours truly or by my family/friends. So, what's your favorite position?

Not sure what this is actually called... Chris dubbed it The Ballerina

This is called The Flop or The Dead Bunny Flop. This is one the "Bunny People" named. This is what happy, relaxed buns do!

The Flop II

Chris calls this one Loaf Bun, my sister calls it Blob Bunny.

This is Basic Bun.

When buns do this, it's called Presenting. It means they would like you to pet them.

Super Bun!

Super Bun II

This is called a Half Flop.

Sphinx Bun.

This is called Lamb Chop (This actually isn't the best picture of this, but I couldn't find a better one!). He puts his feet off to an angle.

This is sorta better, but not really.

Perhaps this post was an excuse to post pictures of Coltrane. Perhaps it was an excuse for me to click through the all of the (hundreds of) photos I have taken of Da Bun over the past few years. Anyways, most people don't really know how awesome and interesting and fun rabbits can be, and I consider it one of my life missions to spread the word.

Kindred Spirits

Chris inadvertantly (this time!) scared the living Ba-Jeezus out of me the other day. We were cleaning the house and I was scrubbing the half-bath (which has one of those light switches that automatically turns on the fan when you turn on the light... hate hate hate, by the way), and I didn't hear him coming around the corner into the hallway. So, I turned and he was right there, and I jumped about sixty-five feet and gasped! and almost died of a heart attack on the spot. My heart was literally racing for an hour afterwards. I felt truly frightened.

That's when it hit me: I'm like Coltrane.

I'm always on edge. I'm never quite completely comfortable; it's like my body is always ready for the fight or flight reaction. Even when I'm lying down or doing something "relaxing" I'm ready to get the hell out of there if necessary. I'm aware of where the exits are, and I'm quite uncomfortable and claustrophobic if I detect that there is no exit or way to safety.

Conclusion: I am a prey animal.

Bunnies like Coltrane are wired to bolt when something unexpected occurs, and that's because their survival instinct kicks in.

Oh yes, they broke the mold when they made me: Me, the 5-ft 3-in tall, incisor-owning, upright-walking, 120-pound RABBIT.

Happy 4th Everyone!

Easter Bunday

I know it's a couple (ok, maybe a few) days late, but, in honor of Easter Sunday having been this past weekend, I wanted to post some pictures of Coltrane, my very own little Easter Bun. I hope all of you enjoyed your Easter Bundays, I mean Sundays...(feel free to call me a crazy bunny lady or a dork or whatever you wish!).

The ones of the bun eating basil are from his birthday. Basil was his birthday present. Yeah, that's pretty cute.

So, I actually spent my Easter Sunday in a kayak. How were your holidays?

Bunnies and Hairs

So, you know what I like? Bunnies!

Why hello. I'm a cute little bunny...



Airplane ears...



Oh! What's up there?

Now, I'm hoping that, by now, you are wondering what sort of medium these cute little buns are coming to you on. The answer is much better than Ink-On-Paper or Charcoal-on-Canvas. The answer is this: My-New-Bunny-Shirt:

I saw this in a store, and before I knew what I was doing, I was hopping up to the counter to check out. I may have also had a cocktail before I bought it... And I shall wear it muchly! I actually think it's quite classy.



Bunny and Bunny Shirt

You know what I don't like? My new haircut (and no, I'm not going to show you pictures). Today, I decided I would go get a new haircut for our CD Release Show (which is this coming weekend), but I was stupid and cheaped-out and went to Hair Cuttery. Now, I'm still trying to figure out if I look more like Mrs. Brady or Bobby Brady. I cried for like two hours after I got home. So, I must now find time during this insanely busy week to get my hair re-cut (and, hopefully, fixed).

Oy. Maybe I should just wear my bunny shirt around my head like a turban.

"I'm-Sorry" Bok Choy

The last time Chris and I tried clipping Coltrane's nails by ourselves, I came away from the encounter with a giant gash across my left wrist. I spent the entire holiday season wearing long-sleeve shirts not only to keep warm, but also to keep my loved ones from thinking I was a danger to myself.

So, the deed needed doing again, and I came across a sign at my local pet store that mentioned that an animal groomer had started coming by on weekends. I picked up his card, which said that he had experience with dogs, cats, rabbits, and ferrets. Naturally, I called him to make an appointment to get Coltrane's nails done; surely a professional would be better at it than myself.

Not so much:

We get there with my poor, scared bun in his carrier, and the guy walks in with a very spoiled, mean poodle-y thing with a poofy haircut. He sets up shop in the nasty, warehouse-looking "back room," puts the poodle in a tiny cage (from that moment on, the background music to this whole experience was Yippy-Yaps that scared Coltrane to death), and told me that he should be fine, but that he would come get me if he needed help. Two-point-six seconds in, the guy waves me into this "back room" because my rabbit has, apparently, drawn blood.

Now, I knew this wasn't going to be easy; Coltrane is very scared of being "handled," because, to him, it seems like he is surely going to be eaten (prey animals are all wired to be this way. "Cuddle Buns" are groomed from birth to be ok with being handled). But yeah, that's why I thought a PRO would be able to do a better job than myself.

Mr. Groomer-Man exacted his revenge (by accident), by cutting through the quick on one of Coltrane's back toes, and I watched in horror as my bunny rabbit's blood started dripping onto the towel he was wrapped in. My heart was in my throat, and it was all I could do to keep from taking those clippers and de-toe-ing the guy. Even though Coltrane was blinded with fright at this point, I made the guy finish (since we came out there, the trauma was already done, and I was going to have to pay him anyways).

We got little Coltrane home, and he wouldn't even take a carrot because he was so scared and so mad. His eyes were sort of glazed over, and he just wanted to get away from me. I feel incredibly awful, and I've spent a good portion of the day trying to win back his favor.

Just now, we went to the grocery store. I was trying to figure out what kind of veggie to get for Coltrane as an "I'm Sorry" offering. The things he gets often are Romaine Lettuce, Red-Leaf Lettuce, Green-Leaf Lettuce, and Cilantro (because they are the most reasonably-priced, bun-friendly items in the produce section), so I wanted to get him something a little more exotic. My first thought was to get him fresh Basil, because I know he likes it, but they were out. So, the next-best thing I could think of was Bok Choy. So, we're home now, and Coltrane is munching away at his "I'm-Sorry" Bok Choy, and even letting me pet him a little...

Oh No, Mr. Bun!

That is to say, I made cookies today to bring to the Christmas Eve celebration I will be going to with Chris's family. Don't worry, I only made one Bun cookie, and it is now gone.

And now, some more pictures of Coltrane, just because he's cute and I won't see him for five days over the holiday. I'm sure you're getting sick of it, but just deal. with. it.



Looking a little chubby.





Look at my little squishy-face!



O, Christmas Bun, O, Christmas Bun...

Tee hee!

Mohawk

We leave for New Jersey tomorrow for the holiday. I will post from there! A New Jersey Christmas- Fuggeddaboutit!

Somebunny Loves Me

This holiday season, having my pet rabbit Coltrane around has been a true gift. My recent state of being unemployed has been stressful at times (mainly financially, of course), and it is becomming harder and harder not to feel rejected on a daily basis. However, little Coltrane has loved having me home, and has his little bunny ways of making me feel wanted and loved.

With me home, he gets full run of the bottom floor of the house, and, even though his pen is this (see below) big, his favorite thing in the world (perhaps even more than treats) is being free to run around.


And yes, those are bunny pictures on the wall!

One of the ways he shows me he loves me is that he runs in circles around my feet. When I get home from somewhere and let him out of the pen, the first thing he does is run a lap around the dining room table and then start running in circles around me. I took a video of him doing this, and, if I do say so myself, it's pretty cute!

He also loves playing a sort-of "chase me" game. He'll run full speed around the house while I try to keep up, and he'll show that he's having fun by doing a "binky." I think I've explained binkies before, but they're basically when a rabbit jumps and twists in mid-air, out of joy. Very little is more fun than watching a rabbit do this. And he just loves treats, lettuce, cilantro, and his timothy hay, and it's so very cute to watch him munch!

And, I must admit, it is so nice feeling needed. This amazing little creature relies on me to provide food, water, shelter, and affection, and it simply feels good to know that I can provide all of those things. People make fun of me for giving Coltrane so much space and for letting him have the run of the house, but, the way I see it is like this: I wouldn't want to be confined to my bedroom for eternity. It would start to feel like a prison. And rabbits are programmed to want to dig, run around, and chew. So, why would I deny that to Coltrane?

So, though unemployment is a little scary, I'm trying to view this time in-between jobs as an opportunity. I get to hang out with Coltrane a lot more, and, as a result, he gets more of the attention and affection he deserves. Though he loves to be naughty and do things like eat the Christmas tree and steal ornaments, he's also helping me get through this time without even knowing it.

Isn't it great when Somebunny loves you?
http://www.trupanionpetinsurance.com/

O, Christmas Tree

Chris and I put up our Christmas tree this past weekend. It's one of those artificial ones, and it leans to one side. We call it The Leaning Tower of Tree-sa.



The Leaning Tower of Tree-sa...

We tried three different Christmas CDs while we decorated, all of which we both hated (Bah! Humbug!). Music snobs who have both worked retail jobs (think smooth-jazz versions of the same 10 songs over and over and over again) have a hard time with Christmas tunes. I wanted to listen to A Charlie Brown Christmas, but our CD player doesn't play burned CDs, and that's the only version I have. Bah! Humbug! And, of course, Chris and I had a hard time being serious about decorating and the holidays:



Blue Balls...



Chris's Cluster

And you know, I always get a little sad around the holidays. Ok, maybe more than a little. But, I'm doing my best to stay positive, even despite the fact that I still don't have a job.

And now, I'd like to share some silly pictures I took of Coltrane around our tree. First, I tried to lure him over towards it with treats (he was scared), but now I'm paying for it; he keeps trying to eat the tree and dig in the tree skirt!



The pictures with this kind of light quality were taken with the "underwater" setting on my camera.  Some of them turned out crazy-cool:

Invisi-bun.

What a cute bun eh? Here's a video of him digging in the Christmas tree skirt:

If that doesn't make you coo, I don't know what will! So, here are a few more pictures I took:

And now, I know I already have my Ryan's Recommendations section, but here are some things to get you thinking about your holiday shopping!